Good things come to those who … wait
I am not a very patient person. It’s probably one of the reasons that I don’t deal with anxiety very well.
After the success of yesterday I thought, wrongly, that today I would be invincible. Not the case. I’m not feeling bad, by any means, but I am a little shaky - a niggling reminder that my sub-conscious is still working away at a few things.
Must not lose focus or be disheartened. Continue to breath and everything will be OK.
It’s hard to panic when everyone already knows your secret
Today has been the best yet. I feel like I am really on the road to recovery. I don’t want to speak too soon as I know these disorders come and go and everyone has good and bad days but I really feel I have turned a corner.
I think a lot of it is to do with telling everyone I know (and even those that I don’t know!) about what I am going through.
The vast majority of my panic attacks stem from the mere thought of having an attack in public. It’s embarassing and scary and not something you want an audience for. As a sufferer, my first instinct has always been to avoid going out. If you aren’t outside no one can see you. That’s not a solution though, in fact it makes matters worse. You soon become scared of your own front door. So, you have to force yourself into situations to prove to yourself that they aren’t scary. My arch nemesis is the supermarket. As mentioned in a previous blog, I once had a panic attack in the supermarket and it has certainly left it’s mark on my subconscious.
This time, when the panic disorder struck, I decided to go public. To confess to not just my nearest and dearest but to the whole online world what I am dealing with. The response has been incredible. Friends, family, long-lost acquaintances and perfect strangers have sent messages of support and acknowledgement of what I am facing via text, Facebook, Twitter and even some gorgeous flowers delivered to my door.
I strongly recommend fellow sufferers to do the same. Do not be ashamed by what you are going through. Yes, it’s scary, terryfying and embarassing but it’s not forever and the support and help is out there if you just ask. On top of all that, writing stuff down like this, for me, is very therapeutic. It can go round and round in your brain all day and night but once you have it down and out there is a definite sense of a weight being lifted.
I promised to tell you about the Diazepam …
I have been taking them, as instructed, when needed and I must say, I can see what all the fuss is about. They certainly help to get things back under control. I am only on the very mildest dose and I haven’t noted any side effects as yet, other than the usual fatigue. These little pills can’t stick around forever though. They are highly addictive so a replacement will have to be sourced once I am back on track - which, with any luck, shouldn’t be too long now.
D-day
This morning started with a trip to the doctors.
Getting there was difficult, I won’t lie. I got up extra early so that I would have time to prepare myself but I still had 2 panic attacks before leaving the house. Lee walked with me to the surgery and sat with me until I calmed down. I then had quite a difficult 10 minute wait by myself, during which I wound myself up like a tight spring.
When my name appeared on the board to tell me to go through I think I ran to the doctor’s room, possibly knocking over a couple of old ladies on the way. I got in, shut the door quickly and proceeded to have a panic attack right there, in front of this man I had never met and not even had chance to say ‘hello’ to.
Dr G was brilliant. I truly can not fault him. During the whole appointment I didn’t feel rushed or embarrassed or small at all. By the end of it I was even laughing with him. I felt I had been given a clear goal.
This next week is all about getting calm. My goal is to bring my anxiety levels down from their current state - ‘crisis point’. I have two different drugs to take; Sertraline - a long-term course of anti-depressants, of which I won’t start seeing the benefits for another 4-6 weeks, and Diazepam…
I won’t lie, this last one scares me a bit. Not to be taken lightly, Diazepam will most certainly do the trick when I am having an ‘episode’, but it is also highly addictive. It also goes by the name of Valium. I’ll let you know how taking that goes…
Aside from the new drugs, I am to stop taking the pink pills and take another week off work to try and focus on getting calm. This is easier said than done. I wouldn’t say I am a workaholic, but I do love my job and the place I work. I love being part of the family we have there and staying away is proving very difficult. I am repeatedly being told to leave it alone but I can’t help but feel that I am missing out on something.
But, no moping aloud, on with the task at hand… I find it hard to relax, which, as Dr G pointed out, is probably one of the reasons I am in this current predicament. So, I need to find something relaxing to do from the comfort of my own home … Ideas on a postcard please…
Bad start, good end.
This morning started badly.
After the success of my first blog yesterday I was sure today would give me a new way of feeling about this whole panic-malarkey and to some extent it has. I feel more supported than ever. The blog had some amazing responses from friends and acquaintances and I felt very relieved to have told the world in one fell swoop what is happening to me.
I don’t use that phrase lightly. This disorder doesn’t feel like a part of me at all. Ask anyone and they will tell you Lisa Wood is not a shy person. She isn’t someone that is scared to go outside of her own front door. Yet, currently, I am.
So, on waking this morning, during that lazy time before you actually enter the world properly, I challenged myself to imagine getting up opening the front door and going for a walk by myself - something I would have done without a second thought just over a week ago. This image though, started the racing. The thumping heart is a big warning sign. If my heart is able to race, because the drugs aren’t in my system to stop it, then panic nearly always follows. Not good.
I tried to think of other, more calming things but kept finding myself testing the panic. I pushed it too far and ended up having an attack before the pink pill had chance to kick in.
After a change to regroup I calmed down, Lee went to the gym and I cleaned. I cleaned until it was time to take the bins out. A challenge.
“Come on Lisa, this is ridiculously easy. Just take the bin around the corner and come back.”
Before I know it I’m out, in the sunshine with wet hair and a bin bag. I even say hello to a neighbour and get back inside before I event release what I have done.
My legs turn to jelly less than a minute after getting in but it’s too late - I have already done it - ha - I win.
The rest of the day was pretty good. Lee was with me and we managed to get out for lunch for a couple of hours before spending an afternoon of sorting out admin and wedding paperwork - a task we have often bickered about in the past but that today, somehow, it seemed easy in comparison.
Tomorrow I aim to get up early and get to doctors as early as possible to talk about the next step. All in all, a positive ending to a day that didn’t start brilliantly.
Keep calm and carry on.
PANIC!
My name is Lisa and I am a panic-aholic.
Not many people know that I suffer from panic disorder. It’s not rare. It’s not dangerous. It’s not contagious. But it can be terrifying, embarrassing and debilitating - for me at least.
In 2009 I suffered from some quite massive panic attacks. This then led to a touch of agoraphobia in a bid to not want the world to see me as a jibbering wreck. The NHS were brilliant - I can’t fault them. They got me through the whole experience with the use of a few beta-blockers and some CBT sessions. After a couple of months I was back to full health. The end.
I wish.
Everything did go quiet for a couple of years, but, just recently, it’s back. And unfortunately worse than ever.
I have been to the docs and I am back on the little pink pills (although this time about 5x the dosage), which do help with the symptoms but also make me want to sleep for England. I have dug out all my old CBT notes and reminded myself of all of the ways to ‘avoid panic’. Work have been brilliant and are letting me take my time with it and Lee is being a godsend, as per usual. But none of it is enough and even though it has only been one week, one terrifyingly awful week, I need a better solution.
Panic attacks are awful. The world feels like it is closing in on you and you kind of blackout from what is going on around you. Mine don’t tend to last all that long, but when I have a big one, it can feel like forever.
This morning wasn’t great.
Today is Saturday and exactly a week since the first big attacks started up again. In my optimistic and impatient way I made a decision not to take a pill this morning. They make me so tired and I really felt good.
Mistake.
At about midday Lee and I decided to take a walk.
Panic.
Just the thought of stepping through the front door into the big wide world was enough to set the panic going. I was conscious of how silly I sounded, making ridiculous whimpering noises and trying to fight the tears, but it was impossible. Walking out there without a second thought seemed completely impossible.
I took a pill and felt defeated.
After half an a hour or so of worrying about it I did it. Took the giant step outside. I couldn’t of done it without Lee, no way. I would still be inside if had been on my own. We walked for a couple of miles in total and each step felt better. Until we stopped at the supermarket on the way home.
Supermarkets have always been a weakness for me. I had a particularly nasty panic in one once and now, whilst going through this recent bad spell, my nemesis seems to have returned.
On Monday it will be back to the doctors to figure out the next step. I want to return to work, as I have done so successfully for so many years, but feeling like I do that is not an option. I think I did a whole 2.5 hours on Friday before freaking and walking out.
I have read so much about people in similar situations and it is reassuring to know there are so many people out there that suffer with it. For those that know me and see me, please don’t feel like this is a taboo subject. Talk to me about it. Ask questions. I’m trying my best not to be ashamed of what I’m going through and this blog will help, I hope.
The Groupon Effect
With everyone looking to save money but still hoping to live a little, sites such as Groupon and VoucherCloud are doing some seriously big business. But what effect is that having in the long-run?
Could sites like these have a big part to play in market behaviour? If customers think they are going to get a bargain if they leave it to the last minute are they taking the risk and holding their nerve? And, if so, what if something more appealing (or cheaper) comes along whilst their waiting?
Whilst these sites are, on the face of it, very appealing (and yes, I myself have been guilty of purchasing a full-head of highlights for a very generous price!) are they in fact having a detrimental effect on businesses? The salon I visited to claim my bargain, told me they had sold over 160 of the vouchers I had purchased. Brilliant - what a boost for business! But what about all of the surrounding salons whose ‘loyal’ customers went next door for their 6-weekly styling session?
I see sites like these as a bit like the online version of the “supermarket giant”. As a consumer I feel compelled to “stay local” … but just think of the money you could save …
